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It’s time for an announcement my dudes… I’m part of a very exclusive gang. The group consists of dirty little scumbags who enjoy dark rooms, sad bops and eating the soggy bits of cereal left at the bottom of most breakfast bowls. I’m referring to the “Who TF am I” and the “What am I doing with my life” kiddos gang. It’s pretty hard core. And not to burst my bubble but I’ve been a member since 2016.
So yea – I struggle with expression and allowing others to understand my identity. It’s a very unique struggle so I doubt y’all would be capable of understanding – that’s why the gang is so exclusive.
Anyways, this is a conflict that’s been growing inside me like dry weeds for the past four years (and it’s not even the cool kind). But since spring is around the corner, I find that the time has come to take better care of my garden. So just like our 2000s pop star goddess once said lets “get to work bitch”.
Today, I will try my best to explain what I am going through. I will share with you how I personally interpret my interests, actions and the world around me. So I urge you to get your bedazzled gardening gloves on and accompany me as we dig through my psyche.
Welcome to Reem’s Garden
As I shuffle through the garden of my mind, I am often left to rake through my reasons, thoughts and passions to better understand my existence. My perspective of the world is gathered in bundles of plants — plants called Facebook, films, Instagram, memes, Pinterest, Reddit, Snap chat, Tik Tok and Twitter. Most would look at these things and assume my mind is littered with weeds. They might believe my intellectual consumption is filled with meaningless engagements. Engagements that are instantly gratified and don’t require deeper understanding, But that is far from my truth. I find my garden to be filled with beautiful and interesting forms of life. Life that allows me to coexist peacefully with my surroundings.
The Plants Within
My piece of nature stems from the way I was raised. Living in a strict Muslim household, while my single mother worked 40+ hours a week, I was limited to what I was able to do. I often wasn’t able to leave the house or physically interact with friends. Instead, I was raised by networks like NBC, FOX, ABC, Disney, Nickelodeon and Cartoon network. My standards and values were shaped by watching pretend families and friends socialize and tackle life issues. And as I got older, I found myself more and more connected to this concept of virtual relatability. My way of understanding the world continues with connecting with people through digital platforms.
Engaging in entertainment helps me create deeper connections with myself and my pursuits.
I would like to also clear up that when I refer to being passionate about social media, I’m not talking about being passionate about “celebrity” gossip, tabloids, or spending time stalking hot girls on Instagram. My interest in social media is purely observing online interactions between people and how others express themselves. I enjoy taking note and trying my best to understand people for their inner being and relating it back to myself.
Though my passion is linked to an online obsession, I would like to mention that I do read books, I do go outside, I do have physical interactions, I do research theories and ideas that intrigue me. I very much am a pursuer of knowledge and the mystery behind our universe. I just simply gather most of my observations through entertainment. I delve deep into my mind and manifest my own unique interpretation of the space I breathe in. I find beauty in creating my own understandings, theories, and concepts.
The field of Weeds
I have noticed that prior my college days, I was more vocal about the suppositions that I collected through life experiences and my interest in entertainment. I find that this was because I felt comfortable and safe within my environment. I knew that I was able to express myself and others would simply listen. They wouldn’t invalidate my observations because they were formed through a different practice. They would listen and engage in the discussion. This kept my garden well tended but as I began to pursue higher education, that all changed.
Personally, I felt that during the four years spent on my college campus a majority of my peers would not take the time nor have the patience to understand a different perspective. If a thought was unpopular or provoking, that person’s mind and existence would be all wrong – and you would HAVE to accept that as a universal truth.
This experience made me afraid of my own personal expression: the contents of my garden. It made me feel as if my respective choices weren’t good enough, they were just weeds. Then like most of my plants, my intellectual confidence wilted while the rest stayed hidden behind mass plots of parasitic plants.
I found myself struggling to understand my identity. I was fighting two parts of myself; a socially aware internet junkie and a well rounded intellectual being. The environment I was living in wouldn’t let me be both. I felt as if I was constantly surrounded by crude judgement…
Hello Spring
I’m graduating next week and I’ve come to better terms with my identity. I’m coming back to tend my garden. I know I should have realized this sooner, but it shouldn’t matter what others think of me, or what the status quo is.
All that should matter is that I’m comfortable in own my skin and that I’m willing to grow and adapt to the changes around me. I shouldn’t have to demolish my unique garden to match the people around me. I am very much capable of relating my virtual observations to real life issues. I don’t need to know Socrates’ or Buddha’s whole life story to make a connection to the world I live in. If I am capable of relating John Stuart Mill’s market place of ideas theory to Kris Jenner’s work ethic, then SO BE IT. It is VALID. I don’t have to voice anything to the public to prove what I know.
As I get ready to leave college, I’m trying to reach deep within myself to bring back the old me. The old me was a BAD BITCH and I honestly have no idea why I let complete mayo randos put her in a corner.
I urge you to also realize (if you don’t already) that you don’t have to fit a certain mold to be successful. You can be any mold you like because success has no form, it’s merely a feeling, nothing more.
Ya girl,
Reem
